At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
