Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
