i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
