capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
