I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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