Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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