Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
