how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
