I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
