the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
