White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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