Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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