i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
