If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
