i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
