you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We just shotgunned beers for America
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
