just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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