I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
