I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
