she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
