why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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