my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
