I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
