That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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