That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
