hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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