Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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