yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
