Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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