sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
