You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
