conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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