Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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