How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
