you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
