So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
