So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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