Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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