I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
