I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I miss vodka workout Fridays
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
