just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I think I just sharted jello shots
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
