I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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