god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
