He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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