Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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