I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
