Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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