Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just found a bag of teeth...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
