Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
