I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
