I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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