I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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