Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
