I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
